My husband received a wedding invitation from a colleague. No, wait -- first he received a "save the date" refrigerator magnet, many months prior. Which, in my opinion, is silly. If I know you well enough to want to come to your wedding and buy you a gift, shouldn't I also know you well enough to know when the date is coming? And if I don't know you that well, and I don't really want to come, I resent being held hostage. "What do you mean you can't make it? We sent you a save-the-date magnet months ago!"
Then, the wedding invitation itself came along. In a 9x12 envelope. Inside the 9x12 envelope:
1) Another envelope, not addressed but featuring a printed return address for the couple (yes, they already live together). Inside that envelope, an embossed printed invitation, wrapped in fancy paper and tied with a ribbon.
2) A small envelope with the RSVP card inside. Not pre-stamped (I have received RSVP cards already stamped), but pre-printed with their address.
OK, pretty standard so far, I guess. Not that I had any fancy printed invitations for my wedding, or any RSVP cards, but I've seen it done before. Alrighty.
3) A card with their Bed, Bath & Beyond registry number.
Again, I know there are many couples who register at their favorite stores. Sure. Makes it easier for friends and family to shop for a wedding gift. Plus, for an older, professional couple who already lives together, there are probably a lot of things they already have, right?
But then we get:
4) The 8.5x11 12-page "Survival Guide." Yes, Survival Guide. That's what it says on the front cover. Along with a picture of the mansion where the wedding will be held, 30 miles from the couple's house.
This survival guide includes:
- A table of contents. Table of contents? For a wedding invitation?
- A list of contact information. Why would they be inviting anyone who didn't already know their phone numbers or email?
- The complete list of suggested gifts and registries. Topping the list, of course, is CASH. I quote the Survivial Guide: "This is our preferred gift-giving method." Well, no shit. Every human being's "preferred" gift is cash, so do we really need to say it? I think that's in really poor taste. I mean, you don't say, "Hey, grandma, thanks for the card you sent me on my last birthday, but my PREFERRED GIFT-GIVING METHOD is cash." "Mom, I appreciate that you spent 3 hours trying to find just the right gift for last Christmas, but, y'know, my PREFERRED GIFT-GIVING METHOD is money..." Or, well, maybe these people do. And that's just sad.
But, then, wait, if you can't bring yourself to just cough up the money, they do accept GIFT CARDS. And they are kind enough to include, in the Survival Guide, a list of 10 stores from which they will accept gift cards.
So, I have to ask, are they inviting that many people who are A) complete morons, and/or B) know the couple so very little as to have no idea which stores they might enjoy? And, does this mean that if I get them a gift card from Sears instead of Kohls, then these ingrateful shits won't be our friends any more?
- Travel and Lodging. OK, this is nice of them. They provide airport info and local hotels. But, did this really need to be in the Survival Guide and sent to all 100-200 (300?) guests? Couldn't this just be told, via phone or email, to the people flying in? Are most of the guests flying in from somewhere else? Must be nice to have such a huge group of people willing to take time off work and drop so much money on flying in for your shindig. I couldn't even find 15 people to come to my wedding, and that's including the wedding party, my coworkers, the minister and her husband.
- A list of everyone in the wedding party, parents, grand-parents and "special guests." Meaning, I guess, that all other guests are not special. Just cough over the cash and gift cards, please.
- Rehearsal itinerary. Now, call me crazy, but I thought that the rehearsal dinner was a nice little tradition started as a way for the close friends/family in the wedding party to unwind and bond between practicing the wedding at the church and then actually doing the wedding. We never had a rehearsal for our wedding, and thus never a rehearsal dinner, but I can see why some folks would. Some weddings are complicated, and it helps to run through it with the minister, at the location, once. Apparently this couple's wedding is VERY complicated, as they say that the rehearsal will take up to 3 hours. Whew.
Then they say that EVERYONE is welcome to the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding. Um, then what's the point of the dinner after the wedding? Oh, well, I guess the dinner after the wedding is the nice one. The dinner before the wedding will be Subway and Smithfield's in a local hotel meeting room.
Y'know, subs and BBQ in a hotel meeting room is considered a "reception" by a lot of folks (the kind who maybe don't get hitched in mansions nor expect lots of cashy money). But, get this, if you are coming to this couple's rehearsal dinner, be prepared to PAY! Yup, "All others are welcome to come with a donation of $3/person."
- An explanation of their BIG DAY, including dress code and wedding itinerary.
"July 15th is a very special day for us." Well, no shit.
"We have spent countless days researching and planning for this special occasion." You and everyone else who ever has a wedding. Even my own small wedding took several days-worth of planning and researching. I've had a few friends get married in Las Vegas, and even that takes some time and planning. You're not special.
"As such, below you will find some helpful information for how things will occur." So, because you are apparently the only people to ever consider a wedding a "special day," and because you spent a lot of time planning for it, you get to be arrogant assholes. Got it.
"Dress code: No jeans or t-shirts please!" Um, are you actually inviting people who don't already know this? Or is this simply more condescension?
"Itinerary: 2:30 - Arrive promptly." No, actually, I was hoping to wander in sometime around the "I do," in my jeans and t-shirt.
Itinerary continued:
"3:00 - Ceremony Begins in the Garden
3:30 - Cocktail Hour by the pool
4:30 - Reception in the ballroom
4:45 - First Dance
5:00 - Dinner is served
6:00 - Cake Cutting/Toasts
6:30 - Dancing/Mingling
9:00 - Garter/Bouquet Toss
10:00 - Bride & Groom Exit, Guests Depart."
I am SO glad they included this in the Survival Guide. Now I know exactly when I can start mingling, and when I'm allowed to leave. And when to tell the strippers and clown to arrive.
And, may I just say: Seven hours. That's SEVEN fucking hours. Oh, my.
- Finally, they have 5 pages of maps and directions and info about the local hotel. Again, did this really need to be in the Survival Guide sent to all guests?
All told, I estimated that if you include gas and travel time, the appropriate clothing my husband would have to buy (he doesn't own any suits) and the wedding gift, he'd be spending as much as we spent during our wedding. For an aquaintance who thinks we're too stupid to show up on time, not wearing a t-shirt, and too inept to shop for a nice gift.
This invitation was received just a few days after I got an invitation to my friend Melanie's wedding. Her invitation was a handmade 4x6 postcard, printed on a computer, embellished with some scrapbooking stickers. It was very pretty. Melanie also has a website where people can go to RSVP. Her website does have some info about locations, accommodations, how the couple met, who is in the wedding party. But no 12-page guide. No cards to mail back. No gift registries. No dress code. No demands.
Melanie and her man do ask for monetary gifts, but this is how they say it: "With our combined households, and a brand new house we really don’t need anything most newlyweds would need. What we have decided to do is ask for monetary gifts to our trailer fund. With Kevin’s race schedule we really need housing for our family of five out in the dirt. We are currently setting our sites on a used model which is $28,000.00. So any and all wedding gifts will be put toward a deposit on this travel trailer. We thank you in advance for any contribution you can make."
I bet the snotty Survival Guide couple spent more than $28K on their wedding.
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